Star Wars

Cage Match 2014: Round 2: Leia Organa vs Robert Neville: Screen


The Contestants


Leia1.jpg

Neville1.jpg

Leia Organa: Screen
Star Wars
Age: Unknown
Race: Human
Weapons / Artifacts: Blaster
Special
Attack:
Laser blast

Robert Neville: Screen
Richard Matheson’s I Am Legend
Age: 40s
Race: Human
Weapons / Artifacts: Sidearm
Special
Attack:
Shooting

The Breakdown

Advantages

  • Battle experience
  • Armed with a blaster
Advantages

  • Knows how to hunt, shoot guns, and scavenges for food
  • Can avoid the Darkseekers
  • Knows how to hunt, shoot guns, and scavenges for food
  • Can avoid the Darkseekers
  • Has a working understanding of how to avoid the Darkseekers
Knows how to hunt, shoot guns, and scavenges for food
Has fairly secure based of operations in Washington Square Park
Has lab with necessary equipment that lets him continue to work on findingHas a working understanding of how to avoid the Darkseekers
Disadvantages

  • Out of her element
Disadvantages

  • Stubborn
  • Lonely
  • Ill-tempered
Kills

Kills


How we think the fight will go


FADE IN.

INT. A DVD STORE IN THE EAST VILLAGE, NEW YORK CITY.

LEIA ORGANA regains consciousness and finds herself on the floor of a strange room, with no recollection as to how she might have gotten there. Her blaster, which she could have sworn she’d lost during her last fight, is once again tucked away in her side holster.

She stands and looks around. The room is eerily still. Curious, she picks one of the DVDs off of the shelf — “Howard the Duck” — and opens it, eyeing the disc with confusion.

LEIA

What is this?

Putting the DVD back in place, she turns the corner and continues to orient herself to her surroundings.

Suddenly she encounters a pair of white-faced women.

LEIA

Ah!

Drawing her blaster and backing away, Leia slowly begins to realize that the women are both inanimate. She lowers her weapon but does not put it away. Instead, she turns towards the front of the store. There are other mannequins placed throughout the area in various poses. She slowly wanders up the aisle to look at them, her brow furrowed.

A car drives up. Leia snaps to attention, not recognizing the sound. Seeing the faint outline of something moving outside, she ducks behind a shelf, out of the line of sight.

There is a jingle of keys. The bell on the door rings as ROBERT NEVILLE walks into the store. He seems devastated.

ROBERT

Hey, Hank.

Hank, as usual, does not respond. Robert deliberately avoids his blank gaze.

ROBERT

Nah, man. Sam’s… Sam’s not here today. She’s… uh, she’s not gonna be back for a while.

(mumbling to himself)

I… I just gotta do something.

He turns to look at the black haired mannequin towards the back of the store, whom he’s been trying to flirt with for the better part of a fortnight. With singular focus, he hobbles next to her and stares ahead at the DVDs in front of him.

ROBERT

(grief-stricken)

I promised my friend… that I would say hello to you today.

Hello.

The mannequin says nothing.

ROBERT

Hello. Please… say hello to me.

(pause)

Please say hello to me.

LEIA

Hello?

Startled, Robert draws a gun from his coat pocket and points it at the mannequin.

ROBERT

(to the mannequin)

What did you say? Who–

He looks around wildly, searching for answers. Finding none, he turns back to the mannequin.

ROBERT

Fred put you up to this, didn’t he? Damn it. Damn it, this is all his fault, that son of a…

Robert fires a round into the mannequin, and then two more.

LEIA

Stop that!

She comes out of her hiding place with her blaster aimed at Robert.

LEIA

Stop firing that slugthrower of yours already. Don’t you know how temperamental those old ballistics weapons are? You’re going to get yourself killed.

Robert finally gets a clear look at Leia. He lowers his gun.

ROBERT

I… I have officially lost it.

Leia raises her eyebrow and lowers her own weapon.

LEIA

A moment ago you were having a very in-depth conversation with an inanimate object and just now you’ve lost it?

ROBERT

No, just shut up, okay? Just don’t. You don’t know what it’s been like. You don’t know. You’re…

(Pause)

Princess Leia, for some reason.

LEIA

(exasperated)

Yes, I’m well aware of who I am, thank you.

ROBERT

No, you don’t get it. You’re not real. You’re from one of these stupid movies. You don’t exist.

LEIA

What are you talking about? Of course I exist. I’m standing right in front of you.

ROBERT

No. No, no, no, no, no.

He begins pacing back and forth.

ROBERT

This doesn’t make sense. I never even liked those movies, man. This is not how I lose it. This is NOT how I lose it. I’ve held on this long…

Drawing a deep breath, he collapses against the shelf of DVDs and sinks to the floor, holding back sobs.

Leia’s scowl softens. She slowly walks over and crouches down to his level.

LEIA

Are you all right?

She places a hand on his shoulder and he jerks back and looks at her in astonishment.

LEIA

I did tell you I was real.

ROBERT

Doesn’t make it true. Could be some kind of tactile hallucination. You know, along with the auditory and visual ones.

(pause)

You didn’t move Fred, did you?

LEIA

I don’t know what you’re talking about. Not that I’ve understood anything that you’ve been talking about.

(looking up)

These movies, are they like… galactic history records?

ROBERT

No, they’re fiction. They’re just made-up stories. They never happened.

LEIA

(disdainfully)

And you don’t like mine.

ROBERT

I just never saw the appeal of all the space ships and robots.

LEIA

You don’t have those here?

ROBERT

Nope. Don’t have a whole lot here at all anymore.

LEIA

And where is here?

ROBERT

New York. Uh, Earth.

LEIA

Can’t say I’m familiar.

ROBERT

Yeah, well, galaxy far, far away and all that.

(pause)

I can’t do this anymore.

LEIA

What?

ROBERT

I mean, it was bad enough when I was talking to the mannequins, but this is somethin’ else. This whole “me talking to a Star Wars character” thing. It’s too much.

(rubbing temples)

Although, could be worse. There’s that shitty-ass Batman vs. Superman movie poster in Times Square that I gotta look at all the time. You could’ve been Batman or somethin’.

LEIA

I told you, I’m not–

ROBERT

Not made-up?

He aggressively lifts himself back up from the ground, and Leia backs away instinctively.

ROBERT

Okay. Let’s pretend that you’re not some crazy figment of my imagination. What does that mean, huh?

(waves his gun around, raising his voice dramatically)

That I live in a world where Star Wars is real, and I still can’t save anybody? I’m still stuck on my own in this hellhole of a city with a basement full of infected rats and nothing to fucking show for it?

LEIA

Watch where you’re pointing that thing.

ROBERT

Or what? What are you gonna do?

He aims his gun at her, and she aims her blaster right back.

LEIA

Listen, I don’t want to hurt you, but I’m not about to die on some planet I’ve never heard of before just because you’re having a bad day. Now, drop it.

Robert laughs bitterly and readjusts his aim so that the gun is pointed right at Leia’s head.

ROBERT

You’d probably die anyway, you know. Really, I’d probably be doing you a favor, since I’m guessing you’re not immu–

Leia fires her blaster at Robert’s shoulder. He recoils into the shelf and goes down, sending DVD cases flying. There are first and second degree burns all down his upper arm and chest, radiating from where he’s been hit.

ROBERT

Okay. So, you are real, then.

(passes out)

Leia reholsters her blaster and picks up one of the fallen DVDs, a glimmer of recognition in her eyes. It says “Return of the Jedi.” There’s a picture of her on the cover — and in that awful metal bikini Jabba had once made her wear.

LEIA

Well, I’ll be a wookiee’s aunt.

FADE OUT.


Predicted Winner: Leia Organa



NOTE: THIS MATCH ENDS ON Monday, March 24, 2014, AT 12:00 PM, EST

Check out all the Cage Match 2014 posts!

Editor’s Note: Victoria McNally lives in New York and works as an associate editor at Geekosystem, a nerdy news, science, and culture website. She can be found tweeting at @vqnerdballs, and spends far too much of her free time thinking about Sailor Moon.

Check out the Bracket Reveal and full bracket!

Cage Match fans: We are looking forward to hearing your responses! If possible, please abstain from including potential spoilers about the books in your comments (and if you need spoilers to make your case, start your comments with: “SPOILER ALERT!”


8 Responses to “Cage Match 2014: Round 2: Leia Organa vs Robert Neville: Screen”

  1. Archon says:

    Hard one to call… basically an old fashioned western quick-draw contest. I should also add that I miss the old Austin Powers quips that used to accompany the “Kills” list for each contestant…

  2. Jlingo says:

    No pictures of the participants like the other years but a strange icon, no twist or pun about the kills…Sigh….I really use to love these cage fights.

  3. TheKing says:

    I’m really hoping Robert Neville can somehow pull out a victory here. But since he’s up against one of the biggest franchises of all time, he probably doesn’t stand a chance. Sad.

  4. Archon says:

    Yeah, I guess they figured that you can’t have your cake and eat it too… The write-ups this year are as good as I’ve ever seen… but the presentation (character pics, kill quips, ect.) it probably the worst.

  5. Emily says:

    Hey all – Emily here, I’m new to organizing the Cage Match this year. I didn’t realize you guys were so into the character kill quips! I’m gonna go back and add some in, since they definitely add some flavor. As for the pictures – feedback noted for next year.
    Thanks!

  6. Archon says:

    for post view

  7. Archon says:

    again

  8. Archon says:

    Emily, thanks for adding the kill quips… they definitely add to the overall enjoyment ;)

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